Through his blog, Akane (Vo. D.I.D.) talks about his mental disorder and how his world view has changed.
[in me(English ver.)]
"The origin of the human being called Akane.
The truth is, I used to like myself.
But before I realized, I started to hate myself.
When I became aware of the person I had become,
I finally remembered the me when I still liked myself.
The me from a very long time ago.
When I was still very young.
When I still had faith in everything and thought things would always go my way.
When I liked apples.
That's all I remember.
There was no particular reason.
I was just that way from the beginning.
But then,
I came to know that things don't always go well.
I learned to cry.
I learned that crying doesn't change anything.
Instead I lost my faith.
Before long, I realized that I could stop myself from crying by my own will.
Even so, drops trickle from my eyes when I can't bear it anymore.
One day, I came to know that they were tears.
That's when I came to know words.
Then I found myself able to talk about the reason behind those tears.
And I noticed that I would still get rejected even though I was simply talking about my true feelings.
Even though I thought everything would go well.
Even though I finally became able to convey my thoughts.
I realized that the better I got at it, I would still get rejected a lot.
At that moment, I came to know the existence of my own mistakes for the first time.
I felt defeated for the first time, and once again the number of tears increased.
Little by little, I started to doubt myself.
I wondered if that wasn't also a sort of rejection.
That's when I came to know sadness.
I realized that my chest hurt when I was sad.
Yes.
At the beginning, I used to know the place of my heart.
But I still didn't know the meaning of my heart.
I also realized that I was starting to hate myself only with the number of defeats.
Before I noticed
Rather than the me I liked,
It was the me I hated who was taking over.
At that point, I could no longer allow the me I hated to exist anymore.
I lost sight of my reason to exist.
That's why I yearned for it, for death.
That's when I came to know the longing for death.
Along with it, I came to know despair.
That's when I started to explore possibilities toward death.
I searched and searched and searched for possibilities as far as I could imagine.
One day, a wall suddenly appeared.
A black and white one.
It had no color.
But for sure, there was a door there, and I opened it.
When I did, it was there.
It was very belligerent.
Therefore I became belligerent too.
And I fought.
Before I noticed, the fight was over and at that moment, the door closed and the wall became distant.
It became far, far away.
When I noticed, my field of vision expanded.
Tears came out.
I came to know the frustration of being defeated.
And more than anything,
That if you come off as belligerent, the other person with do the same.
At that moment, I learned about kindness.
At that moment,
I broke free from the curse that was the heaviness of my heart for the first time.
And then, the Truth was there.
I realized that the door was the door that led to the Truth.
That's when my longing for death disappeared.
As usual, I doubted the me I hated.
But that went away.
I was able to like the me I hated.
That's when the tears I thought I had forgotten started flowing again.
I remembered the me who can cry.
I also remembered that I hated the me who couldn't cry.
This time, I came to like the me who can cry.
More than anything, I rapidly became able to trust in the me who used to doubt.
That's when I realized that there was no need to hate myself.
For the first time, I was able to sense the worth of my own existence.
That was something I had always been pursuing.
My reason for existence.
The ones who taught me my worth
were other people, the very same ones I had pledged not to ever trust into.
It was taught to me by lots and lots of people.
I remembered the joy that was in my heart.
That's when tears started to flow with joy.
And for the first time, I shed tears that were not of regret nor sadness.
For the first time, I came to know that human beings can cry with joy.
I thought,
Let's believe in myself.
If I can believe in me, then let's try to believe in others too.
For the first time, I came to know trust from the heart.
I felt happy to be alive.
For the first time, I was able to think I want to live.
As I did so, the thought of dying suddenly became frightening.
If the people I trust came to die, I would be sad.
Then I thought if we trust each other, then maybe other people would be sad too if I died.
It was the first time I came to think like this.
That's because I had become able to believe in other people.
And other people believed in me.
For the first time, I felt the importance of my own existence.
It didn't take much time for me to realize that was the importance of fate.
Because I believe in myself, there is no reason to doubt.
In the blink of an eye, the world appeared to me differently.
I realized that even though I haven't changed at all, the world around me is changing.
That's when I came to know that this was fate.
I accepted fate.
Because the me I believe in believes it is so.
By being able to believe myself
I changed.
Not other people, but me.
If you can change yourself, the world around you will seem different.
I was surprised to see the world differently and overflowing with possibilities called hope.
But what changed was actually me.
The world was already overflowing with hope from the very beginning.
Knowing this,
Accepting this,
I was able to accept myself.
The world of despair just one day suddenly turned into hope.
At first, it was a series of surprises.
Even the scenery I saw when I used to think everything was full of despair had now turned into hope.
I remembered that time
The me when I was in despair.
Those who despair give off nothing but despair.
When I was in despair, I was desperately trying to convey my own despair to other people.
I thought I didn't want to be that kind of person anymore.
That was one more thing I came to like about the me who was glad to have changed.
When you find one thing you like, it becomes easier to find the next thing you like.
I noticed that my heart gradually became overflowing with hope.
That's when I came to know for the first time.
That despair generates nothing but despair.
There's nothing but death beyond it.
That's when I understood why they say that depression is a disease that leads to death.
Rather,
All is infinitely full of hope.
I came to know that this overflowing hope can also become hope for other people.
I thought since it's overflowing, then I could just give anyone as much as I want.
When I became aware of that, I conveyed hope to those around me.
I thought I would absolutely never be able to convey my heart to other people.
And yet now for sure, in the world that is right before my eyes, I believe I was able to convey my hope to other people.
That's when I know that my heart was conveyed.
I finally remembered that time.
When I was young and I believed in myself and that everything would go fine, how much I loved myself, how I cried and smiled genuinely.
But I experienced things not going my way and started to mistrust people.
I remembered when I was born.
When that happened, I started to doubt even myself.
And that was the very reason why I started to hate myself."
credits: Akane Blog, Jpop asia
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